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Martin
United Kingdom
262 Posts |
 Posted - 24 Jul 2010 : 07:57:49
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I lifted this off another site but just thought it summed up a lot of peoples feelings! And its fekn hillarious 
This is a genuine complaint to Humberside Police Force from a rather irritated member of the public. No-one knows if they replied!!
Dear Sir/Madam
Having spent the past 20 minutes waiting for someone at Beverly police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Beverley, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail,there are 11 failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Swinemoor Lane. They appear to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth-shattering CLANG which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its 3rd week and as I am unsure as to how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end soon.
The remaining 5 failed abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
I fear it is only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side btween the 2 bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a patrol car before doing a 3-point turn and disappearing again. This of course will serve no other purpose than to remind us of what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a sledgehammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a 4 month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain your obedient servant
Mr xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Regards
Martin
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This is Genuine
